In light of Enda Kenny’s suggestion of a “new proclamation” for 2016, comes this leaked government draft:
THE FINE OIBRE COALITION GOVERNMENT
IRISH REPUBLIC INC.
TO THE PEOPLE OF MIDDLE IRELAND
MIDDLING IRISHMEN AND IRISHWOMEN: In the name of the EU, ECB and IMF and of the emigrated generations from which she receives her old tradition of magically reduced unemployment figures, Middle Ireland, through us, summons her children to her flag and strikes for her fully-costed economic freedom in an open, unregulated, neo-liberal market-place.
Having disorganised and untrained her manhood through her radically conservative organisations, the Irish and Sunday Independent, and through her open political organisations, Fine Gael and the Labour Party, having patiently perfected her indiscipline, having resolutely waited for the wrong moment to reveal itself, she now seizes that wrong moment, and supported by Foreign Direct Investment from America and by gallant bureaucrats in Brussels, but relying in the first on her own weakness, she strikes in partial-confidence of maybe being the Best Little Country In The World To Do Business In.
We declare the right of the ruling entrepreneurial- and coping-classes of Middle Ireland to the ownership of Middle Ireland and to the unfettered control of Irish destinies, to be sovereign and indefeasible (unless a better deal comes along). The long usurpation of that right by a working-and middle-class people through elected government has not extinguished the right, nor can it ever be extinguished except by the destruction of the people of Middle Ireland. In every generation the rulers of the Irish people have asserted their right to make money and sell-out our sovereignty to the biggest bidder; several times during the past hundred years they have asserted it in arms and by shooting, imprisoning, exiling or persecuting people. Standing on that fundamental right and again asserting it in arms in the face of the Sinister Fringe, we hereby proclaim the Irish Republic Inc. as a Non-Sovereign Non-Independent State, and we pledge the lives of the dole-scroungers, water-protesters and other assorted low-life to the cause of keeping us wealthy, of propping us up through taxation and labour, and of our exaltation among the Knacks.
The Irish Republic Inc. is entitled to, and hereby claims, the allegiance of every Irishman and Irishwoman (even the council-house scum). The Republic Inc. guarantees that the rich-will-get-richer and liberty is flexible, equal rights and equal opportunities are commodities, and declares its resolve to pursue the happiness and prosperity of 10% of the whole nation and of selected parts, cherishing none of the children of the nation equally, and emphasising the differences carefully fostered by an alien Government, which have rightfully divided the Lucindas and Simons from the Seáns and Síles in the past.
Until your sacrifices have brought the opportune moment for the establishment of a permanent National Government of Entrepreneurs and Sunday Independent Columnists, representative of the people of Middle Ireland and selected by the acquisition of wealth over all her men and women, the Fine Oibre Coalition Government, hereby constituted, will administer the civil and soon-to-be NATO/Commonwealth-military affairs of the Republic Inc. in trust for the ruling people.
We place the cause of the Irish Republic Inc. under the protection of the Most High Euro, Whose blessing we invoke upon your arms (and whatever else you use to make money and pay your taxes), and we pray that no one who serves that cause will dishonour it by refusing a JobBridge placement, promoting trade-unionism, or seeking an equitable tax system or an end to zero-hours contracts. In this supreme hour the Irish nation must, by its hard work and DISCIPLINE, and by the readiness of its children to sacrifice themselves for the common good of its rulers, prove itself worthy of the august destiny to which the 10% are called.
Signed on behalf of the Fine Oibre Coalition Government:
Enda Kenny Joan Burton