The International Lesbian Conspiracy To Sap My Precious Bodily Fluids

Here is a warning to all true Irishmen, one that we disregard at our peril, from Tom Finnegan, a legal advisor to Mothers and Fathers Matter, a “No” supporting group in the upcoming constitutional referendum on marriage equality, as reported by the Irish Times:

“Mr Finnegan said that, if the referendum passes, homosexual married couples would have the same constitutional status as any other married couple.

He said married couples “currently enjoy the right to procreate”, adding that if the referendum passes “it would mean that all same-sex couples would have a similar right to procreate under the Constitution”.

“For same-sex couples to procreate, to have a right to procreate… that right must necessarily entail a right to avail of things like donor assisted human reproduction or surrogacy,” he said.”

Good god, the societal dangers of such a scenario are too dire to contemplate. Imagine waking up one night to discover a pair of trespassing, baby-obsessed lesbians crawling into one’s bed to procure one’s seed through a process of enforced coitus or worse, while waving a copy of Bunreacht na hÉireann as legal proof of their right to do so? That’s right, two naked, gay women rolling around your bed while vigorously endeavouring to bring you to a moment of climax with no thought of relationship or commit-

…oh.