Have You Seen The Size Of My Gun?!

The “Oirish” Daily Mirror carries an eye-grabbing headline:

“We could have killed the Queen on Ireland visit, claim Real IRA”

Well of course they would claim that but is there any more to this report than a mere headline?

“THE Real IRA last night claimed they planned to kill the Queen when she visited Ireland.

But they called off an assassination attempt on the Queen because they did not believe her life was worth one of their volunteers being jailed.

In an astonishing interview with the Irish Daily Mirror the Dublin leadership of the dissident group claim they met to plot the killing and were confident they could pull it off.

A spokesman said: “We considered killing the Queen. We could have managed to carry out a successful attack but it wouldn’t have been feasible to get away.

“Any volunteer would have been caught and locked up for life.

“A volunteer’s life is not worth the life of the Queen.”

A revolutionary army with a conscience? Aww. And I like the fact that they are so familiar with “the Queen”. That would be the British head of state, or the British Queen, as most Irish Republicans would phrase it. But hey, if you prefer “the Queen” you go with it. Sounds like entirely plausible language from an Irish Republican to me. No doubts there.

But wait! There’s more.

“The organisation, which refers to itself as the IRA, yesterday insisted it now has the firepower capable of launching a major assault.

Among the deadly arsenal weapons are rocket-propelled grenades and encrypted bombs.”

“Encrypted bombs”?! Wow. Are they better than unencrypted bombs?

“A spokesman said: “The gardai can count themselves lucky that she wasn’t attacked.

“It could have been very embarrassing.””

It’s not the only embarrassing thing here, but I digress.

“The spokesman said: “The so-called pillars of society were fawning over her but the streets of Dublin were empty.

“The Cork Brigade did carry out a grenade attack and members in Dublin organised in assisting youths in rebelling on the streets. The IRA mobilised the youths. The public protest showed that there were numbers on the streets willing to oppose the visit.””

Rebelling on the streets? Five men and a dog…?

“Despite this the RIRA claim they are more popular than ever and have plenty of support.

The spokesman said: “This year has been our best so far and we have had significant numbers of people joining our organisation.

“We have a young base but we also have a good number of former Provos.

“We wouldn’t put a number on our membership because we can’t know, but we are the strongest republican group in Ireland and definitely in the south.”

Have you stopped laughing yet? Yes, the RíRá have lots of new members – unfortunately they can’t say how many members they have because they, um, well, they don’t know.

“The group claimed that teachers, mechanics and students all signed up in the last year. It is widely believed that the RIRA are bankrolling their bloody actions through extortion rackets.

The spokesman added: “We have a lot of money spinners. We fundraise from fuel smuggling, cheap DVDs and cigarettes.

“We also use a lot of the same fundraising that has been used in the past. We do not tax drug dealers. If you tax them then you are as bad as them.”

Asked if the group sees any hypocrisy in criticising drug dealers while they sell illegal cigarettes, a member said: “There is a qualitative difference between cigarettes and drugs.

“The working class can’t afford cigarettes so we are meeting the needs of the community.

“Nobody is being pressured into buying the cigarettes.””

The Real IRA: they’re just like the St. Vincent de Paul or the Samaritans! And such an eloquent use of language in building their propaganda image: “fuel smuggling, cheap DVDs and cigarettes”. The Real IRA: coming to a market stall near you!

“The Real IRA recently admitted bombing two banks in the North as well as the UK City of Culture office in Derry.

The spokesman said: “Such attacks are an integral part of our strategy of targeting the financial infrastructure that supports the British government’s capitalist colonial system in Ireland.

“The impetus to carry out this type of attack is directly linked to pressure from working-class communities in Ireland as a whole.””

I’m always hearing people crying out for someone, anyone, to bomb the banks. Sure don’t you see it painted on walls all over Ireland? Bankers Out!

Oh look, here comes some rationality. Hello, Mister Believability, have you something sane and not at all embarrassing to say to us?

“A TOP [!] security expert has poured cold water on the Real IRA’s claims they could have killed Queen Elizabeth II.

However, former Army captain Tom Clonan said the dangerous group had the capacity to launch a disruptive strike.

Dr Clonan is a former army officer with experience in the Middle East and the former Yugoslavia.

Since his retirement he has spent several years researching dissident groups like the RIRA.

“From my research I have found that these guys are committed, they are not a criminal outfit who are looking after their own interests.

“They have beliefs that they stand for and this makes them a serious and credible threat…””

Indeed. A lot more credible than some other things I could mention. Talking of which, back in the magical world of revolutionary politics, the RIRA are revealing their massive arsenal of hi-tech weaponry with which they intend to drive the British invaders back into the sea (or something).

“”We have good engineering units that are able to develop weapons.

“We have rocket propelled grenades, electronic detonated bombs, mercury volt switch bombs, remote bombs that are encrypted, light machine guns, heavy machine guns and assault rifles.””

That’s right. Let the Brits know what weapons and equipment you have. That will frighten the bejesus out of them funny-talking imperialists.

“The RIRA claimed that they have an effective network transporting weapons across the border.

They say that this is controlled by so-called “unknown volunteers”.

The gang said: “We are not having our weapons seized unlike other groups.

“Our supply network from the south to the north is very strong and has not been broken.

“These volunteers have no previous history they have no Facebook pages and there would be only one person from the organisation who would deal with the unknown volunteers.””

Wow! Real IRA not on Facebook! Now, there’s your headline, folks!

As Mark McGregor points out, its a funny old war.